Today, I was reading blogs that I usually try to keep up with and learned about a scrapbooking project for The Present. I originally read it on Cathy Zielske’s blog and then followed the link to Stacy Julian’s blog. The project is to take 10-12 pictures of life today and refer back to them for the next year so that you might feel grateful for all the things you have today. The feelings and the thoughts that came to mind have set me back. Back where I’ve been trying not to go, trying to avoid, trying to wait until I don’t feel so tired.

As I started to write this, one of my favorite songs has come across my MP3 player, one that makes me think of the way I feel right now. It’s like a good friend, though the song is a story about a couple that loses their grown son to a coal mining accident, it’s sentiment and it’s feeling, cut to the bone (as the song itself would put it.) And I guess that’s just how I feel. . . cut to the bone.

We learned long ago that you don’t doubt the good Lord’s plans, but some things are hard to take Lord, we’re just trying to understand. ~ Chris Knight, “Crooked Road”

But, gosh, Lord, I wish that in the next year of my life I’d have my kids- what if I don’t. Sometime during the craziness of the past two weeks, I wondered, what if God’s plan isn’t for us to have kids. I’m tired, it’s been a wild month. I’ve dealt with two hurricanes, allergies, not feeling well, not sleeping well, and eaked in a vacation. So, when the thought came across my mind or returns across my brain, I’ve pushed it aside. We’ve waited so long to have a family and I’m frustrated with the snails pace that we’ve faced. I don’t know whether I just don’t want to fathom that possibility or if I’m scared I’ll consider that path just to out of this uneasy restless impatient period in my life.

I truly hope that we get to experience the joy of parenting soon. Somedays I wonder if we need to start looking at a different group of children (i.e. ages, not siblings, etc), switch agencies, or even get out from under the circumstances that my job creates. Or do we stay steady along this path. I know that the major shift in our finances this month will likely also make a difference in how our home study is viewed.

Bottom line, is just as the song says, I can’t (and really don’t) doubt the good Lord’s plans but some things are hard to take and I’m trying to understand.

Damn the hard times, Damn the coal mines, damn the good dreams gone cold, while I’m at it, damn this crooked road. ~ Chris Knight, “Crooked Road”

This is the line of the song that nearly always moves me to tears. Of course, the coal mines don’t have anything to do with the way I feel. . . but perhaps the minefield of my mind. But, this line is what I feel about our situation these days. The feelings that swirl around aren’t always the easiest to deal with. It’s such a mixture of dreams, hopes, doubts, worry, and uncertainty. We attended a wedding this last month that we’d known was coming since early this year. How I hoped we’d have kids to bring and introduce to folks. That we’d be a family by now. And our kids aren’t here yet. . . they’re somewhere out there facing who knows what.

Even as blue as I feel, I know that project that really hit me like a ton of bricks today would be worthwhile. Hopefully, it would be an opportunity to remember how life was before we had kids- the good things and the things we’re glad have changed. I know some day, I’ll find an appreciation for this crooked road.

Prayer is something I struggle with at times. I don’t know what to pray for. I truly believe that God has his will and his plan for our lives and we don’t know what to ask for that fits in line with his plans for us. Generally, when I pray for our adoption, my prayers are for our kids in general- their current safety, finding our way to each other, that they will get here sooner or later.

Lately, though, I felt I needed to pray differently. It’s taken so long for us to get our kids. I hear people talk about how you should pray specifically for what you want. We recently turned in our interest form for a set of four adorable kids, Kaleigh, Kainaan, Kobin, and Kassie. (See them in action here or click on their names to find out more about them). We also submitted an interest form on a sibling group of two.

I began wondering if we should be praying for these four kids specifically. So, I began praying, Lord, if it is your will, bring Kaleigh, Kainann, Kobin, and Kassie (The 4 K’s) home to us. All the time wondering whether that was how I should be praying or not.

Within a couple of days, God provided an answer for what I’ve been struggling with. Two more sibling groups appeared on the web and it became clear that I should not be praying for a specific set but that I should wait until God tells me which kids are ours. One of the sibling groups that appeared is the two brothers for a sibling group we had submitted interest forms on before. They’ve tugged at my heart. DH and I talked about whether we would be able to handle the challenges that we know may come our way with these two boys. (I previously blogged about these kids but had left it in a draft form. . . I’m going to publish that post now as it seems so fitting.)We decided to submit an interest form on them along with another sibling group.

So currently, we have four recent interest forms submitted in addition to the ones we’ve already submitted or that our adoption agency has submitted.

Here are the most recent four (Links will take you to more info about them):

Billy and Tabatha

Kaleigh, Kainaan, Kobin, and Kassie ( (Videos(2))

Takoda and Tyler

James and Ricky

So, I will continue to pray specifically for the things I want for our kids but will sit back, anxiously wait, and find out from God who are kids will be. I found I was so aware of this yesterday at church. I was completing the sign-in sheet that we use and paused at the blanks where you list your children. . . I sat and wondered, “What names will I be putting there?”

I wish I could post some update to our Adoption Story. But, there is none. We’re still waiting. Lord, we’re waiting as patiently as we can. But, it’s getting tough and we’re getting antsy.

This waiting, these empty arms, the wondering, it’s all getting a bit old. I know that God will bring us our kids in good time and I just have to trust him. But, lately, it’s been getting tougher and tougher. We wait and watch others with kids. We wait and get moments with other people’s kids. We wait and we wait and we wait.

I knew I was growing weary but dealing with it. But lately, Cody’s been expressing just how much this wait is wearing on him to his friends. When he starts talking about it, I know it’s really bothering him. And so, then it grows more weary for me because I hate that he feels it too.

It’s an process that’s filled with mix emotions. Searching for kids through the online list often feels too much like online shopping. In our search to find our kids we have to weed out the ones that are not a good fit, so you find yourself looking at the listing much the same way you would a page of clothes when you’re shopping. Then, when you find someone you are interested in, you submit an interest form. That’s when, as Cody says, it’s like fishing. You put your line out there and you wait for a bite. And we wait.

Then you wonder when God is calling you take further action to move this along. Our adoption agency has offices all over Texas. The overall agency has been put on a Monitoring plan 1 which means that they are not doing so hot- they need more monitoring than other facilities. And, they are on corrective action. This often means suspending placements for particular offices. I know that our particular office has not faced the suspension of placements. But, having come from licensing and truly understanding the situation, I hate being with an agency that isn’t complying. And, I’m not confident that they are really fighting for us when they get listings of children. I know there are probably quite a few sibling groups that should be listed online that aren’t.

We’ve thought about switching agencies. In looking at compliance, there’s only one that truly looks better than this one. But, it’s intertwined with my work life. I used to regulate some day cares they own, my co-worker deals with some of their contracts on a regular basis, her contact there is a former employee and so is that person’s husband. And, their website talks about charging for their services. Plus, we just don’t know what kind of set back that would all cause. I just keep praying that God will show us the way.

And, as this wait continues, I keep praying that it will all be over soon, for I know the wait will all be worth it in the end.