Today, I was reading blogs that I usually try to keep up with and learned about a scrapbooking project for The Present. I originally read it on Cathy Zielske’s blog and then followed the link to Stacy Julian’s blog. The project is to take 10-12 pictures of life today and refer back to them for the next year so that you might feel grateful for all the things you have today. The feelings and the thoughts that came to mind have set me back. Back where I’ve been trying not to go, trying to avoid, trying to wait until I don’t feel so tired.
As I started to write this, one of my favorite songs has come across my MP3 player, one that makes me think of the way I feel right now. It’s like a good friend, though the song is a story about a couple that loses their grown son to a coal mining accident, it’s sentiment and it’s feeling, cut to the bone (as the song itself would put it.) And I guess that’s just how I feel. . . cut to the bone.
We learned long ago that you don’t doubt the good Lord’s plans, but some things are hard to take Lord, we’re just trying to understand. ~ Chris Knight, “Crooked Road”
But, gosh, Lord, I wish that in the next year of my life I’d have my kids- what if I don’t. Sometime during the craziness of the past two weeks, I wondered, what if God’s plan isn’t for us to have kids. I’m tired, it’s been a wild month. I’ve dealt with two hurricanes, allergies, not feeling well, not sleeping well, and eaked in a vacation. So, when the thought came across my mind or returns across my brain, I’ve pushed it aside. We’ve waited so long to have a family and I’m frustrated with the snails pace that we’ve faced. I don’t know whether I just don’t want to fathom that possibility or if I’m scared I’ll consider that path just to out of this uneasy restless impatient period in my life.
I truly hope that we get to experience the joy of parenting soon. Somedays I wonder if we need to start looking at a different group of children (i.e. ages, not siblings, etc), switch agencies, or even get out from under the circumstances that my job creates. Or do we stay steady along this path. I know that the major shift in our finances this month will likely also make a difference in how our home study is viewed.
Bottom line, is just as the song says, I can’t (and really don’t) doubt the good Lord’s plans but some things are hard to take and I’m trying to understand.
Damn the hard times, Damn the coal mines, damn the good dreams gone cold, while I’m at it, damn this crooked road. ~ Chris Knight, “Crooked Road”
This is the line of the song that nearly always moves me to tears. Of course, the coal mines don’t have anything to do with the way I feel. . . but perhaps the minefield of my mind. But, this line is what I feel about our situation these days. The feelings that swirl around aren’t always the easiest to deal with. It’s such a mixture of dreams, hopes, doubts, worry, and uncertainty. We attended a wedding this last month that we’d known was coming since early this year. How I hoped we’d have kids to bring and introduce to folks. That we’d be a family by now. And our kids aren’t here yet. . . they’re somewhere out there facing who knows what.
Even as blue as I feel, I know that project that really hit me like a ton of bricks today would be worthwhile. Hopefully, it would be an opportunity to remember how life was before we had kids- the good things and the things we’re glad have changed. I know some day, I’ll find an appreciation for this crooked road.