Last Tuesday was the selection meeting for Ricky and James.  We heard from our Social worker Tuesday before lunch.  She had received a little bit more information about Ricky and James and the worker once again wanted to make sure we were still interested.  And, of course, we were.  Our worker told us that their worker said they’d have a decision likely the next week (this week.)

I was in sheer agony.  It seemed like I was growing a permanent knot in my stomach.  I couldn’t concentrate.  I couldn’t help but wonder is this God’s Will or have I convinced myself of that by my own doing.  Everytime the phone rang, I jumped, sighed, and answered it never getting the answer I wanted.

Thursday, I broke down in tears and Cody and I had a long talk.  Thankfully, we had a great diversion and went to see Chris Knight.  Still as he sang one of my favorite songs, Enough Rope, I was reminded of the boys.

“I’m thankful for the things I have and all the things I don’t.  I got dreams that will come true and I got some that won’t.  Most of the time I walk the line wherever it goes, ’cause you can’t hang yourself if you ain’t got enough rope.”

And while I sat there I wished he would play Crooked Road. . . because I got this line stuck in my head:

“We learned long ago you can’t doubt the good Lord’s plans but some things is hard to take Lord, we’re just trying to understand.”

By the time Friday rolled around, I had no idea how I was going to make it through the weekend.  I was reminded just how much we’ve struggled in the past 8 years to have a family.  We attended a baby shower with Cody’s co-workers.  They decided that I should have a baby so they could have another baby shower.  Knowing they know we’re in the process of adopting a sibling group and that I don’t have the plumbing to have a baby, coupled with the long wait for word from the selection meeting, it really rubbed me the wrong way.

As we drove home, I remember thinking about this very long crooked road we’ve been down.  I thought about the boys and how much I wanted to bring them home.  I tried to figure out how on earth I was going to make it through the weekend, knowing we wouldn’t know one way or the other.

When we got home we checked our messages on our voice mail, our caseworker had called at 4:50 to say:

“I was just calling to let you know that you were selected for Ricky and James. You have officially been selected.”

We were (and are) so thrilled.  I could breath like I haven’t been able to breathe all month.  I kept taking deep breaths to let the air in- finally.  Our next step will be reviewing the case file when we receive it.

I’m so thankful.  Praise the Lord that we were selected. . . and that I didn’t have to make it through the weekend wondering.

I’ve talked about Adoption ADHD and Needing Focus on occassion on my blog.  With everything going on the past week and a half, I’m suffering from it horribly.  I absolutely cannot concentrate on the task at hand.  I walk around in a haze thinking this or that.  What if we get the kids?  What if we don’t?  How can I prepare for either?

At least some of the thoughts could prove productive.  Here’s I’ll show you. . . take a walk through my mind.

• Our Life Insurance would likely allow us to get a loan for about $4000 should we need it for legal fees, a booster seat, toys, bedding, furniture, computers, rugs, bath accessories. . . ok see how bad my mind gets to thinking of all the things we’d need
• There’s a really neat looking Shaker Village in Kentucky.  I’ve always liked Shaker style.  That would be a great place to visit- just Cody and I.
• I was finally able to find information on a program that I remember looking up after reading about it on Ali Edwards website.  And the doctor down in Houston involved is our insurance.  It’s a program for children with autism.  I found the old email where I sent the link to myself with info on the boys and their sister.
• I also know that we don’t have many board certified pediatricians in our area that are on our insurance and only one board certified child and adolescent pyschiatrist in town on our insurance.
• There are a lot of really expensive but super cool photography workshops held in great locations around the country.
• I really like the Eric Carle bedding that I found but other than that it’s really hard to find great kids bedding.
• If we are selected, I may just have to pay my nephew to help pick out appropriate stuff for the boys.
• Jason Boland plays in town late next month.  And, we couldn’t register for the music fest in Steamboat until late summer.
• Our leave policies have been worded differently.  Now, technically, Cody and I could take up to 12 weeks a piece of FMLA.  Of course, I’ve only got 4-5 weeks and I’m not sure about him.  Previously it read that we could take 3 months but had to split that. 
• There’s some interesting Adoption training at Adoption Learning Partners.  I enjoyed the class about advocating and it sparked a number of ideas.
• If we don’t get selected and we walk away from this path, I want to go somewhere in May for the weekend. . . April is Turkey season so it’s ruled out. 
• We could afford the hotel at the Houston Galleria for a weekend.  That would be interesting.
• There are some great educational games out there and even a few educational games for the Wii. 
• Still not sure about whether I’d want them to share a room and have a play room or put one in each bedroom.  (Any opinions/thoughts?)
• The Magestic America Cruise Line is up for sale and no longer offering their amazing cruises down US rivers.  Missed out on that dream. . . still couldn’t afford it anyway.

See what I mean. . .and that’s just the more coherent thoughts.  I feel totally out of sorts at work and seek out other ways to entertain myself at home.

You might just be wondering how those all relate together.  Those are just some of the analogies we’ve used throughout this adoption process. 

The Job Interview

Well, it felt like a job interview and loan application all at once- and more.  I’m talking about the Home Study and the process to get that done.  A million questions and gazillion pieces of paper.  All the time wondering what others think of you, wondering if you’ll past the test, wondering if you’ll be allowed to take the next step.  Not only is your house and vehicle inspected several times, but your life is as well.  And though it’s not meant to feel like an interrogation, that’s what you begin to wonder as interview questions turn to how we fight, how you feel about sex, finance issues, feelings about family members, childhood memories, etc.

I guess we passed that.  The problem is, you never really now.  Even once you’ve got an approved home study, getting it approved is only a part of the puzzle.  Then, you have to wonder how others read it much the same way that you wonder how others read a job resume- only this ain’t a job we’re trying to land, it’s our family!

Online Shopping

I know I’ve said this before.  When you look online at children who become available, it starts to feel like you’re shopping online.  Especially as you rule out the ones who aren’t right for you.  Thankfully, we’ve never said, oh that one’s too fat or that’s one got the wrong color eyes.  But, it’s the same type of feeling as you determine if this one’s got to many emotional issues, or that one’s got medical issues we’re not prepared to deal with.  We decided very on that we’d submit an interest form on any sibling group that met our minimum criteria- to avoid the should we inquire about this one but not that one.

All the while, each picture tears at your heart.  Not only is this your life staring you in the face, it’s the children’s lives as well.  We’ve watched many children fall off the listing.  Each time, I’m hopeful that it’s a good thing and that they’ve been adopted. 

Fishing

Once you finish the “online shopping”, you begin fishing.  You throw your line out there and wait.  Sometimes you might get a nibble, but most of the time nothing.  Some nibbles are harder than others.  You begin to wonder if you’ll ever get a bite. 

Families are ruled out for various reasons long before the selection meeting.  Sometimes you find they are interested in you, but when you get more facts about the children, you realize that you’re no longer feel like they’d be the right fit for you.  We’ve received information back on several sibling groups that indicated there were issues we were not prepared to deal with.  I’m not going to say that we throw them back like you would a fish because it’s just too cruel.  It’s harsh enough in the first place when your humanity stares you down.

House Selling

That’s probably the newest parrallel we could draw.  If you get a really strong nibble, then you go through the selection process.  Your social worker has to “sell” the children’s worker and others on you.  In reality, they are trying to find the right fit.  But, if you don’t promote your strengths, who will, right?  So, you do. . . then you wonder if they’ll buy.

Next Tuesday, our social worker will be getting together with Ricky and Jame’s worker and others to discuss why we’re the right family for Ricky and James.  It sounds like several other family’s social workers will do the same.

Last Tuesday, we met up with our social worker for our quarterly visit.  We talked about some of the things that would make us desirable for these two kids.  I really just wish they’d accept, that I having a feeling this was meant to be. . that this may be God’s calling.  But, of course, they can’t.

Some of the things we came up with though somehow it feels more like we’re trying to sell a house than ourselves. . .

We’re young and active.  To me, that seems like a no brainer but I forget that many prospective parents are not first timers and aren’t as “young” as we are.  For a couple that’s been married 10 years and trying to have a family now for 8 years, young seems like an oxymoron.  But, alas we like to think young, to be active with kids, and to have fun.

We’ve been married 10 years.  That’s not a lot in our books but it shows stability. 

We have experience with children and special needs- and a support system that does as well.  I’ve taught children with special needs, worked a number of years in day care, and have several college early childhood classes in my toolbox.  Cody, being dyslexic, has experience dealing with the “special needs” label- in fact he was told in the second grade that he would never read.  My brother is ADD but also worked at a facility for children with autism.  My mother, well, she taught for 30 years.  And that hunting buddy I mentioned last time, his wife teaches autistic children for the local school district.

Activities.  We can provide structure and route.  We’ve seen the power that giving kids choices has.  We believe in having fun and getting outside.  As I told our social worker, my “nephew” and Cody love to play outside- then get me to “act a fool” and play sports with them.  We are also strong believers in supporting creativity and interests.  Goodness knows, we’ve done that with Jack’s artistic ability.  And, Cody has experience in trade work which apparently may come in handy as the oldest reaches adulthood. 

Many of those thing were things I thought of while we talked to the kids’ worker.  They were things that made me realize how much we have to draw upon if we’re selected for these kids.  We’ll have to wait and see. . .our line is still out there just waiting to see if we get any bites.

So, I’ve been wanting to post an update to my last post about our adoption path but I’ve been wanting to add a picture that’s still not online yet.  I’ve decided to go ahead and post an update and I’ll add the picture later.

Last Wednesday, we were able to talk to the caseworker for Ricky and James.  We had four page (double spaced) list of questions that we came up with over the weekend.  She spent an hour answering our questions.  It seems what was worst case scenario in our minds is not quite the case.  Though both boys face many challenges.  The conversation brought some interesting insights.  We also found out that the selection staffing where they hear from several families workers and select the prospective adoptive home, will be March 24.

Since the call was longer than we expected it to be, Cody had to quickly scurry back to work.  I could tell then though he was still dragging his heels.  He still wasn’t sure he was interested.  At lunch, we got to talk about it a little and he confirmed exactly that.

We had soup supper at church that night before our Lenten service.  Most of the time Cody goes straight towards one of his hunting buddies to talk about (big surprise) hunting.  But, last Wednesday, his buddy was helping his granddaughter with her math homework.  We weren’t sure whether to expect my parents or not so we sat off by ourselves in order to leave room and not disturb them while working on homework.

It turned out to be quite a blessing.  We talked more about Ricky and James and adoption.  I could see that God was beginning to open Cody’s heart.  We talked about the things we heard that day.  We talked about naming.  We talked about people we knew who we’d want to contact for help if selected.  We also talked about how both of us are beginning to feel that this is the end of our journey.  We both really feel that if not selected for these kids, we’ll end our adoption journey in the next month.  But, we’ve agreed to wait and see what happens with these kids and then re-evaluate if needed.

Imagine riding on a rollercoaster ride, then stopping just before a particularly fun, scary, or thrilling moment. . . Or perhaps hanging upside down. . . or just before your chance to get off the rollercoaster ride. Imagine all the thoughts and feelings that you would have.

That’s how I’m feeling these days as we go through what we expect to be the last year on our adoption rollercoaster ride. Last Friday, we got some news about Ricky and James. We were told back in November/December that they were going to reunite these two and see how that went before deciding whether to proceed with keeping them together as a sibling group. We were told Friday that they are still struggling together but that they did want to proceed with the adoption process. We were given some more information about them and asked if we were still interested. Cody and I discussed it as we headed up to see Shake Russell.

For me, these two boys feel as meant to be as when I first saw them on TARE with their sister. In fact, Thursday night in my frustration, I prayed that God would give me some inkling of where my life was headed. Friday, it seemed he did. At times, I feel like going ahead and giving up. I have visions of life with no kids. But, I often wonder if I’d really want to live that way. Ultimately, I’d like to have kids. These two boys already occupy a place in my heart. I know that they will be a challenge but I feel that we’re equipped to take that challenge on. It feels like fighting for these boys is where God leading us and perhaps the purpose of this path we’ve been on. That still doesn’t mean that I’m definite about these boys. I realize I’ve got lots of questions about these children and have to get as much information about them in order to truly decide if we would take them. The last thing I would want is for the placement to breakdown and them to have to suffer loss again.

Cody, well, he threw me a curve ball from the start Friday. As he put it, he had some soul searching to do. He felt like he had already given up on having kids and wasn’t sure he even wanted to get back on the rollercoaster. In truth, I’m still not sure where he stands on it. I can feel his hesitation. And that for me is quite frustrating. Why on earth are we always in a different space along this path! Friday evening though he did help come up with a list of questions for which we’d want the answers regarding these two kids. We agreed that we’d tackle whether or not to hang it up after where the next few weeks leads us. But, even yesterday, I could feel him pulling back from the idea of adopting children. I can understand if he’s not sure what he wants to do but, if he is, I hope he’ll tell me rather than stringing me along. And, these are certainly not two kids that I would try to persuade him into taking.

So, it looks like our names will go into the selection meeting. Part of me is cautiously optimistic and the other part of me is in knots. I start to think of all the things we’d need or need to do and then I think of Cody. Ultimately, I have to give it over to God. These kids seem to be his answer as they’ve seemed like his answer on a number of occassions. Perhaps that’s what I see because that’s what I want to believe. But, if they are meant to be, God will make it happen and he’ll open Cody’s heart too. And if they are meant to be, all the things I need to do and get will happen in due time.