Imagine riding on a rollercoaster ride, then stopping just before a particularly fun, scary, or thrilling moment. . . Or perhaps hanging upside down. . . or just before your chance to get off the rollercoaster ride. Imagine all the thoughts and feelings that you would have.
That’s how I’m feeling these days as we go through what we expect to be the last year on our adoption rollercoaster ride. Last Friday, we got some news about Ricky and James. We were told back in November/December that they were going to reunite these two and see how that went before deciding whether to proceed with keeping them together as a sibling group. We were told Friday that they are still struggling together but that they did want to proceed with the adoption process. We were given some more information about them and asked if we were still interested. Cody and I discussed it as we headed up to see Shake Russell.
For me, these two boys feel as meant to be as when I first saw them on TARE with their sister. In fact, Thursday night in my frustration, I prayed that God would give me some inkling of where my life was headed. Friday, it seemed he did. At times, I feel like going ahead and giving up. I have visions of life with no kids. But, I often wonder if I’d really want to live that way. Ultimately, I’d like to have kids. These two boys already occupy a place in my heart. I know that they will be a challenge but I feel that we’re equipped to take that challenge on. It feels like fighting for these boys is where God leading us and perhaps the purpose of this path we’ve been on. That still doesn’t mean that I’m definite about these boys. I realize I’ve got lots of questions about these children and have to get as much information about them in order to truly decide if we would take them. The last thing I would want is for the placement to breakdown and them to have to suffer loss again.
Cody, well, he threw me a curve ball from the start Friday. As he put it, he had some soul searching to do. He felt like he had already given up on having kids and wasn’t sure he even wanted to get back on the rollercoaster. In truth, I’m still not sure where he stands on it. I can feel his hesitation. And that for me is quite frustrating. Why on earth are we always in a different space along this path! Friday evening though he did help come up with a list of questions for which we’d want the answers regarding these two kids. We agreed that we’d tackle whether or not to hang it up after where the next few weeks leads us. But, even yesterday, I could feel him pulling back from the idea of adopting children. I can understand if he’s not sure what he wants to do but, if he is, I hope he’ll tell me rather than stringing me along. And, these are certainly not two kids that I would try to persuade him into taking.
So, it looks like our names will go into the selection meeting. Part of me is cautiously optimistic and the other part of me is in knots. I start to think of all the things we’d need or need to do and then I think of Cody. Ultimately, I have to give it over to God. These kids seem to be his answer as they’ve seemed like his answer on a number of occassions. Perhaps that’s what I see because that’s what I want to believe. But, if they are meant to be, God will make it happen and he’ll open Cody’s heart too. And if they are meant to be, all the things I need to do and get will happen in due time.
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Hey..I’m going to be doing some heavy duty praying for/with you on this one!! Hang in there…God’s got you all in His hand!!! You aren’t alone here.