Last night we finished reading the boy’s case files. Unfortunately, there was nothing that made me want to say “no” and nothing that made Cody want to say “yes”. Which basically means “no” because I know that I have to accept Cody’s feelings.

Of course, while my husband doesn’t feel like these kids are right from him, he feels awful for me. Last night as he was apologizing to me, I had a bit of a breakthrough that, at least for now, has brought me some more peace.

This isn’t his fault. And as I explained to him that he didn’t need to apologize to me, I explained that in the end, if this was truly God’s will he would make Cody feel differently so perhaps this isn’t God’s will. I’m not sure whether the talking brought the thought or the thought brought the words, but at that moment I made the realization that in some ways seems to make this a bit easier for me. As we talked, we wondered with hope that if it’s not meant to be for us hopefully God has even better parents out there for these two boys.

Through all of this, I can’t say that either of us has lost faith. We know he’s here, we know he’s got a plan for us, and we know he’s going to help us through this. And I write this, I’m reminded of that line in Chris Knight’s song that still continues to hold so true:

“We learned long ago that you don’t doubt the good Lord’s plans, but some things are hard to take Lord, we’re just trying to understand.” ~ Chris Knight, “Crooked Road”

Damn this Crooked Road.

This weekend was a little crazy. Friday we enjoyed shopping in the big city at Bass Pro and other stores along the Red River. Sunday, we had a power outage that threatened to stick around awhile We were bound and determined to have hot water. Our journey to find a portable propane hot water heater/shower took us 45 minutes south our home and then the 1.5 hours north of our home to the Bass Pro- again. If I’d only known Friday what the future would hold.

It’s the same thing I could say about the long journey to have, or as it seems to be turning out, not to have kids.

If I’d have only known 8 years ago that it would end with me saying goodbye just when having kids was in reach. . .

If I’d have known that two years after we saw these boys, I’d nearly get to bring them home but not get to bring them home. . .

If I’d have known that each step of the way Cody and I would be on a different page. . .

Would I be as heartbroken as I am now? Would my spirit feel so broken?

Last week, Cody finally took some time to talk about his feelings for adoption. He admitted he hasn’t been very open and honest with me. I knew it and I really knew that he was on the fence nearly ready to jump off and call it quits.

As it stands, we agreed that it didn’t feel right to call it quits without reviewing the most recent paperwork which we don’t have yet as the case files we received were missing anything from November 2007 to date. I have truly believed that I want to adopt yet that we have to make an honest evaluation once we receive the case files. I know that I can’t just jump in all heart and no thought. But, Cody feels completely opposite. His heart is not in it and he either has convinced himself or truly feels that he does not want to adopt.

Here’s where the marriage hits the road. . . This is far to important to force him into. I have to accept his feelings. And I recognize that. My marriage to him has to come first and I do love him even though he’s changed his plans “without me”. I also have to find a way that I don’t blame him for a life that at this moment in time seems as if it would be unfulfilled.

But since that conversation, I feel like I’m in a bad dream. Only, there’s no waking up to get out of it. I feel like my boys are being taken away from. The realization that I’ll likely never be a mother after coming so close- the finality that’s involved with this- is hitting me so hard. I googled life without kids. When you get past the ones who chose not to have kids, you’re left with women like me who wanted, tried, and we left with empty arms- and who still feel that pain years later. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m grieving. I’m scared. I’m torn.