Stuck in a Nightmare, or at least a Very Bad Dream

Last week, Cody finally took some time to talk about his feelings for adoption. He admitted he hasn’t been very open and honest with me. I knew it and I really knew that he was on the fence nearly ready to jump off and call it quits.

As it stands, we agreed that it didn’t feel right to call it quits without reviewing the most recent paperwork which we don’t have yet as the case files we received were missing anything from November 2007 to date. I have truly believed that I want to adopt yet that we have to make an honest evaluation once we receive the case files. I know that I can’t just jump in all heart and no thought. But, Cody feels completely opposite. His heart is not in it and he either has convinced himself or truly feels that he does not want to adopt.

Here’s where the marriage hits the road. . . This is far to important to force him into. I have to accept his feelings. And I recognize that. My marriage to him has to come first and I do love him even though he’s changed his plans “without me”. I also have to find a way that I don’t blame him for a life that at this moment in time seems as if it would be unfulfilled.

But since that conversation, I feel like I’m in a bad dream. Only, there’s no waking up to get out of it. I feel like my boys are being taken away from. The realization that I’ll likely never be a mother after coming so close- the finality that’s involved with this- is hitting me so hard. I googled life without kids. When you get past the ones who chose not to have kids, you’re left with women like me who wanted, tried, and we left with empty arms- and who still feel that pain years later. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m grieving. I’m scared. I’m torn.

Related posts:

1. Waiting while on a Rollercoaster Ride
2. Where is God in all of This
3. Wednesday Talkin’
4. Yesterday, I thought about. . .
5. The Unknown: Contrasts In Unrest And Peace