Being Childless Sucks, Life Doesn’t

When I blogged about how being childless sucks Wednesday, I received several words of encouragement which I did appreciate. But, I guess what I failed to get across in that post, is that it was just a moment. . . They come, they go. Sure, being childless hasn’t stopped sucking. But, it’s not the only thing in my life.

I honestly didn’t share about that moment when I searched google for those that know me, but rather because I know that there may be others I don’t know who feel the same way and are looking for something to perhaps validate their feelings or just someone who understands. (OK, that’s a really bad run on sentence whith far to many “thats” in the beginning, but you know, it’s a blog not a term paper)

You see just because being childless sucks, it doesn’t mean that life does. All-in-all, I’ve got a great life. A house over my head, a loving husband who truly spoils me, time to be creative, a job, etc. (Since I just made a long list New Year’s Eve, I spare you the long version ’cause I have a feeling this post is going to be long enough.)

(OK, in proofreading this, this next part is going to seem really off topic and a rambling tangent, I promise I’ll be bringing it back around.)

Last weekend as Cody and I were celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary, we discussed a new class that I want to take. This morning as I thought about that class, I realized that my hobbies all seem to piggy back on themselves. Last year, I spent a lot of time learning more about photography and taking pictures. This year, I’ve gotten back into scrapbooking. This new class is about organizing pictures with a scrapbooking purpose (well, that’s just the surface.) One of the assignments before the class starts is to go through your digital pics and printed pics and put them in chronological order. I’m in luck since my digi pics are all in folders my month and year and named by the date and a sequence that keeps the approximately 16,000 pictures in order. . . not to mention digi pics can be sorted by date/time taken. But, our printed pics, that’s another story. The class talks about not trying to do all your pictures but a portion so that you can learn the process and then repeat with the rest later. So, I decided to just tackle the years from when Cody and I met until we went digital- Fall Semester 1994-Deer Season 2003. (Another tangent. . . Deer Season, you may be wondering, why I associated that. . . Because I got my first digi camera on the way to the Campwood and I remember taking tons of shots along the 8 hour drive there. Looking back now, I realize it was purchase and trip that would change my life.)

So this week, Cody and I have been sorting those printed pictures. We really don’t have that many. They filled two plastic shoeboxes longwise (aka short side so that the pano shots would fit). It was so much fun to remember those days. We really enjoyed looking back. We were both amazed at how young we look. . . even though we don’t feel that much older today. In many ways, despite the things we’ve gone through, we’re still like newlyweds or perhaps even those kids in college. We’re still like those two lovebirds in those pictures- two lovebirds who got married and watched as their friends got married, two lovebirds who used to eat on the floor in Etoile, two lovebirds who have watched their nephew grow-up, two lovebirds that have seen great vacations, two lovebirds that met in college, moved to Corpus Christi, and came back to that college town. We’ve been blessed. I’ve been blessed.

And, I realize just how blessed to live in the digital age! We narrowed that lot of pics down to just a little over one box. Purging a lot of awful and failed shots, I realized how much I benefit from being able to instantly see my pictures. Going through the so-so pics, I realized how much easier it is to take advantage of learning photography in a digital world. Looking at how few pictures there were compared to fewer years of digital, I realized just how glad I am that I don’t have to pay for film and processing.

Being Childless Sucks

That’s what I put into the google search engine yesterday. . . in a moment when it really was sucking. I’m not sure what I was wanting to find. I think to just see someone else feeling the same way and find some perspective. Do you know what I got? Posts about how infertility sucks- And it’s true, it does. Been there, done that. But, my being childless moved well beyond infertility sucks when we hit the brick wall that was adoption. I wanted something that caught the full gamut of how being childless (not just infertile) sucks. What else did I find? Posts about how motherhood sucks. . . and I suppose at times it sucks just as being childless sucks. But, it’s really not what I wanted to read about. And then, there were the posts by those who are childfree by choice saying that being childless doesn’t suck. That may be true when it’s by your choice, but for the rest of us who aren’t childless by choice, it does, at least at times it does. Not sure if you’re aware of it, but there’s a huge contention/movement about how being childfree is so great- it often feels like a slap in the face when you’re not childfree by choice.

So this person is for the next person who finds their self at a point when being childless just sucks and searches for something when they’re not sure what they want to find.

What brought me to that point yesterday? The dang drum in my head that is life without kids that never seems to stop beating. There isn’t a day that’s gone by when I haven’t thought about kids or the lack there of. Sometimes it’s a “positive” thought- that we won’t have to deal with a screaming kid in the middle of Wal-mart (even though we’d trade places with the parent anytime). Other times, I wonder about the kids we were so close to adopting- how they’re doing or how I feel they were taken from me. Sometimes, it’s just re-hashing old history. Or perhaps it’s the incessant, how can parents do the things they do to their kids. Other times, it’s wondering about where I go from here- the fact that I’ve not idea what the future looks like without kids.

Too many days it’s not just one thought but many thoughts. Somedays, it’s just a thought or two. Other days, it seems to be in sterio coming at you from all sides. No matter how much you try to tune it out, it beats louder and louder. You can’t turn it off; you can’t even seem to turn it down. Yesterday, when I did my little google search, was one of those times. . . when the drum beat was just too loud. Those are the moments when being childless seems to take hold of you, stir up all sorts of emotions, and wreck an otherwise good day. That’s when the word “sucks” just seems to be the best way to describe the state of being childless. Despite all the other words in my vocabulary, “sucks” is the one word that is apropros. And it sucks when “sucks” is the one word you can find that describes the moment.

All I can do is ask God for peace. I know he’ll get me out of those moments. And I hope that one day he has in store for me a day when I don’t even think about whether or not we have children.

Creative Updates: 365 Link and Scrapbooking

Just wanted to share a simple update for those of you who are interested.

1) My 365 Project is going strong. I’m not sure whether I’ll get around to sharing a bit about each picture in blog posts but I plan to upload them to this gallery on about a weekly basis. (I’m also having them printed and putting them in my 365 binder). You can also see images from that gallery on the right hand side. . . and there’s a link to the gallery in the top menu.

2) More Scrapbook Layouts. . . I haven’t posted the other layouts I’ve done for my class so far. I’ve got one more to do before week 5 of the class starts on Thursday. It’s a 12 week class so just imagine how many layouts I’ll have done by then.

Since I plan to make scrapbooking a better part of 2010, I thought I’d go ahead and create a gallery for the pages I’m amassing quickly. Again, you can find a link up at the top directly to the gallery too!

(Again, these are all using Cathy Zielske templates from Big Picture Scrapbooking’s Design Your Life class. . . and the papers/embellishments I did not create are mainly from Crystal Wilkerson/Jessica Sprague)

3) Later this week, I hope to post some of Cody and I’s pictures from the zoo Saturday. There really wasn’t a movie we wanted to see for our anniversary and we had the church’s 50th anniversary dinner Saturday night leaving us with a limited amount of time. So, we went to the zoo in Lufkin after we went out to lunch. You’ll have to see the racoon pics we got! (Cody actually out shot me by 100+ shots) Truth be told neither of us is that much of a movie person and we’d rather be outside and taking pictures any day. It was a rare warmer anniversary as the temps were around 70- so we took advantage rain or not.

Gimme 5: Mini Album Project/ Assignment

One of this week’s assignments for the scrapbooking class I’m taking was to create a mini-album asking the folks I love for five things that described them. So, I emailed a few of those folks to get a start on the album. Except for my nephew Jack, they were all quick to get back with me. Here’s how the pages wound up.

Templates are by Cathy Zielske for Big Picture Scrapbooking’s Design Your Life. Papers are by Mindy Terasawa available at Designer Digitals. Oh and that cute cursive font- Amelie

Hoping to post my other layouts tomorrow. . .

Some Things are Hard To Explain: These aren’t snowballs

Cody and I were getting alot accomplished today. We’d had tunes on while we worked. At some point, we both ended up in the living room. I was just beginning to sort and fold socks when Ed Burleson’s “Dead Skunk” came on.

That’s probably the first hard thing to explain. It’s a song that sticks with you once you’ve heard- at least if you’ve driven in Texas. It’s a song that I’ve heard and loved for years. This year, I downloaded it and finally Cody got to hear the song. He thought I was nuts but now, when he sees road kill or smells a dead skunk, guess what he begins to sing? Seriously go look up the song- Ed Burleson, Dead Skunk

So, the song came on. Cody, for I don’t know what reason, decided to make a “squished/ Squat” sound with his mouth. There were the socks, right there. I told him I ought to throw them at him and he told me not to. . .

I spent a few seconds thinking about it but all I could come up with was, “why not?”. So, then we got in a “food” fight with socks instead of food. It was like our favorite Wii game, the snow ball fight- only with socks. So, there we were throwing our white “snowballs” at each other across the living room, scooping them up, and throwing them again. I told you some things are hard to explain.

And, since we are working together to get a picture a day this year, of course, we had to document the shenaigans. When it was all said and done, there were socks all over the living room and into the dining room.

It’s not often you have the time to just be this goofy.