Being Childless Sucks

That’s what I put into the google search engine yesterday. . . in a moment when it really was sucking. I’m not sure what I was wanting to find. I think to just see someone else feeling the same way and find some perspective. Do you know what I got? Posts about how infertility sucks- And it’s true, it does. Been there, done that. But, my being childless moved well beyond infertility sucks when we hit the brick wall that was adoption. I wanted something that caught the full gamut of how being childless (not just infertile) sucks. What else did I find? Posts about how motherhood sucks. . . and I suppose at times it sucks just as being childless sucks. But, it’s really not what I wanted to read about. And then, there were the posts by those who are childfree by choice saying that being childless doesn’t suck. That may be true when it’s by your choice, but for the rest of us who aren’t childless by choice, it does, at least at times it does. Not sure if you’re aware of it, but there’s a huge contention/movement about how being childfree is so great- it often feels like a slap in the face when you’re not childfree by choice.

So this person is for the next person who finds their self at a point when being childless just sucks and searches for something when they’re not sure what they want to find.

What brought me to that point yesterday? The dang drum in my head that is life without kids that never seems to stop beating. There isn’t a day that’s gone by when I haven’t thought about kids or the lack there of. Sometimes it’s a “positive” thought- that we won’t have to deal with a screaming kid in the middle of Wal-mart (even though we’d trade places with the parent anytime). Other times, I wonder about the kids we were so close to adopting- how they’re doing or how I feel they were taken from me. Sometimes, it’s just re-hashing old history. Or perhaps it’s the incessant, how can parents do the things they do to their kids. Other times, it’s wondering about where I go from here- the fact that I’ve not idea what the future looks like without kids.

Too many days it’s not just one thought but many thoughts. Somedays, it’s just a thought or two. Other days, it seems to be in sterio coming at you from all sides. No matter how much you try to tune it out, it beats louder and louder. You can’t turn it off; you can’t even seem to turn it down. Yesterday, when I did my little google search, was one of those times. . . when the drum beat was just too loud. Those are the moments when being childless seems to take hold of you, stir up all sorts of emotions, and wreck an otherwise good day. That’s when the word “sucks” just seems to be the best way to describe the state of being childless. Despite all the other words in my vocabulary, “sucks” is the one word that is apropros. And it sucks when “sucks” is the one word you can find that describes the moment.

All I can do is ask God for peace. I know he’ll get me out of those moments. And I hope that one day he has in store for me a day when I don’t even think about whether or not we have children.

Related posts:

1. Being Childless Sucks, Life Doesn’t
2. I Can’t Stand the Rain
3. It’s 2009
4. Waiting while on a Rollercoaster Ride
5. Stuck in a Nightmare, or at least a Very Bad Dream

3 Responses to “Being Childless Sucks”

1. Alisha says:

   March 16, 2010 at 5:46 am

   Heya Amy. Duckienz here from LOM. I was looking through your images then ended up here. I just wanted to send you love. I believe that you will find peace and I understand how difficult things can be to live with. I don’t have children. I don’t know if it will be a ‘yet’ situation because I have never tried to have children. But I was sexually assaulted. I know what it is like to go through every single day with things going around in your head and never stopping. I know what it is like to see, hear, feel things that soooo many other people just don’t get. I understand the anger and the grieving process of a life you thought you’d have but that God had other plans for you. I have finally started coming out the other side and I have faith that you will too. Lots of hugs!!! Alisha
2. Julie says:

   March 25, 2010 at 11:06 am

   Hi Amy! Popping in from J*S this morning. I just read your post. And although I have 3 children, I can understandably sympathize with you being upset about not having children.

   The thing that struck me while reading your blog was that you’ve had opportunities to adopt that didn’t go through … That upset me. To know there are so many children who need good, loving homes in the US and abroad that live day-to-day without a family. I hope that you continue in determination to build a family if that is what you choose. And I hope that you find a child to warm your hearts & home. Don’t give up and be strong in your pursuit.

   {Big Hug}

   Juls~
3. j says:

   May 8, 2010 at 3:46 am

   Its good to see your post, and it is comforting to know that what I am going through is not some abnormal reaction. Like you, I’ve been trying to accept the inevitability of being childless. It is a struggle, and you’re right, there’s not a day that goes by when I don’t think about children in some way, feeling the same thoughts you do: why do some parents treat their kids so horribly, why is it there are neglected children when we can’t even have one. Realizing the futility of my dreams, I just am now asking God to please just give me peace by letting me be happy not having children. I’m still waiting for that peace.